Book review by Erin, mindyourmind volunteer
We all struggle with needing to be liked, some struggling more than others. But where does that need come from?
Colvin delves deeply into human history to answer that question. Thousands of years ago people who worked and lived with others had a higher rate of survival than those who didn’t. It was easier to build shelter, find food, and ward off predators in a team rather than alone. Needless to say, people back then couldn’t procreate alone either. So our brains were hard-wired to need other people to ensure that our species survived. Thousands of years later, our brains haven’t changed although our threat for survival has largely diminished since caveman days.
How inconvenient. I admit I’m a real skeptic in believing that I need others to survive. Deep down I know that I do but I’ve been hurt enough and enjoy solitude enough to live on a remote island for the rest of my life, as long as I have a pug or two with me. Anyway, once my therapist gets back from vacation she will be very pleased to learn that I have read this book.
There’s more to the book than just an explanation of our history. It also explores the power of rejection from negative thinking patterns to intense core beliefs, as well as how we could with the everyday occurrence of rejection.
For example, if I ask an acquaintance out to a movie one night and they say no, I might feel rejected and think that it’s because she doesn’t want me as a friend. I might even think to myself, “It’s because no one likes me and I’ll never have any true friends.” Thinking that “no one likes me” is an example of a core belief, one that I grew up with and feel like it’s imprinted in my DNA. “I’ll never have any true friends” is a common example of “all or nothing” thinking, where I categorize things as completely one thing or another and nothing in between.
Later if I find out that my friend had already had plans for the evening I asked her to hang out, my sense of rejection may lessen. When she asks me to a movie on the weekend, the feeling of rejection might fade away entirely.
Both core beliefs and negative thinking patterns are topics I plan to elaborate on in the future, but Dr. Roger Covin does a great job in explaining the two in his book. He talks about responding to and preparing for rejection, which is something everyone can benefit from learning about. The writing is fairly clinical and dry at times, so unless you are a student of psychology or have some previous knowledge of mental health, it’s a good book to work through with your counselor or doctor.
It’s also quite entertaining to watch people on the bus eye you suspiciously for reading a book with such an obvious title. Or read it in the privacy of your home and congratulate yourself the next time you look at a rejection positively. Every little bit helps when it comes to navigating the complex world of relationships.
You can check out Dr Covin's book here:
http://www.amazon.com/Need-Liked-Dr-Roger-Covin/dp/0986957801/ref=tmm_pap_title_0